terrorist gulls.

yeah, you read correctly.

i was in buffalo, ny today (or yesterday cuz it’s now 12:30 am) to try to catch a glimpse of president obama during his visit to industrial support.  a spectacularly overcast day, our fearless leader got to see a typical buffalo/western ny day – which included buffalo wings and a drive through a “rough” neighborhood.  except for all the abandoned/dilapidated buildings, it wasn’t *too* bad of an area.  i think maybe people took a break from murdering and looting to watch the procession and/or news.  of course, with pretty much every cop in erie county guarding the airport and route to the factory, it would have been the best time to go looting.  buffalo, you people missed a significant opportunity there.

i saw the motorcade breeze by twice, once each way.  the first time i’m 75% sure i saw obama’s silhouette (NOT eating wings, btw) in the limo.  so, i ended up hanging out in two different spots to see him, and during the second round, there was a lot of waiting.  a lot.  and it was pouring.  okay, it was misty.  it had rained though previously.  and my hair was not happy.  obama probably thought i was homeless and needed a freakin’ job (ha. ha. reference to ‘freakin’ billboard in da buff).

during the wait, the occasional helicopter scouted the area.  a secret service guy paired with a guy who looked like dick cheney roamed around.  cops yelled at *handfuls* of people to get out of the road although nobody was coming.  and some sea gulls flew around.  and around.  and lower.  lower.  suddenly joined by more gulls, circling, descending upon the “crowd”.  i was suddenly reminded of my only visit to the white house, where on the sidewalk in front of it, a highly intelligent reconnaisance squirrel, trained in mixed martial arts and cuteness, followed me down the sidewalk and would have mugged me for nut money if it had the chance.  i imagined it was wearing a wire and had a little camera on its tame little head.  it was also the size of a goddamn cat.  it may have been a cat, actually.  but i’m pretty sure it was a squirrel.  so….where was i?

back to the gulls — i thought, maybe these were trained reconnaisance gulls (or robotic reconnaisance gulls) scouting the area for would-be attackers.  then i realized that they were not, in fact, trained gulls working for the u.s. government, but a group of rogue terrorist gulls attempting to attack the president.  whether this was in revenge for his eating wings or due to their highly gullible nature (making it easier for them to be radicalized) they had it out for the man, and they weren’t backing down.

in the end, the birds dispersed with the appearance of more police (and some rain).  and possibly because they weren’t terrorist gulls at all.  but for about three minutes, the situation was tense, the crowd hushed (possibly unrelated), and a bird war to end all bird wars was on the brink of exploding in the harsh buffalo streets.

you heard it here first, people.  remember that.


~ by hollaphonic on 05/14/2010.

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