my way better ending to lost.

and i don’t even watch lost.  but i read enough on the webspace to sort of get the gist (jist?) of it and decide that i disapproved.  before i took my afternoon nap, i created a much better general plot.  i should be a tv writer, except that i don’t write well or a lot and it’s work and i am strongly opposed to work.  instead, i could “james patterson” it and just give ideas to a room full of highly intelligent bonobos (NOT bono from u2) who would then script it all out for me.  especially if i give them gummies or whatever the fuck they like to eat.  berries or nuts or bananas.  i watched a show on pbs about bonobos a while ago and they did some intelligence tests with them and the reward was some kind of treat….like m&ms or something.  maybe gummies.  probably not jawbreakers.  they would die.  or rise  up and enslave the human race for trying to choke them all to death.   (once, when i was like six, i fucking swallowed a whole jawbreaker by accident.  true story.  conclusion: do not put giant balls in your mouth and lay on the couch with your head upside down over the edge.  you WILL swallow those balls and it will fuck you up.  i think that’s why i’m not successful today.  it all goes back to that one moment.  that, and my choice to be a hooker, maybe.)

oh, yes, lost.  okay, so from what i gather, there was some kind of island.  people crashed on it.  there was a hatch that everyone wanted to get into* and some smoke monster.  trying to explain this is like being on an acid trip.  if you don’t understand the plot from my description, you are hopeless.  i accidentally typed “hipless”.  indeed, if you don’t understand it you are not hip (ie. cool) and also probably lacking a pelvis^.  i don’t even know how you sit or walk around.

my lost explanation: the island is actually an alien spaceship that crashed into the ocean; that is why it moves around (‘cuz it’s floating), and it has been there so long that palm trees and shit started growing on it and it got covered up.  magnetization causes the  plane to crash into it after it gets jostled in a storm.  the hatch is an entrance into the ship which is why removing the cork freaks the “island” out; the aliens are all like “what the frak!?! all hands on deck!” and try to keep potential danger out.  the smoke monster is just the smoke from their stove.  the castaways can time travel etc because aliens can do that and attempt to in order to get off earth, accidentally/briefly taking some people with them, but ultimately ending up back in the present, on earth.  let’s pretend the alternate reality didn’t exist (which it DIDN’T – freakin gyp).  the “island” disappears when the aliens finally fix their ship and can fly away, despositing the survivors back to land.  any of the weird/scary stuff that happened can be attributed to teen-aliens who, as recreation, taunted or “messed with” the people.  the parent-aliens then laid down the law (that’s where it kind of departs from “my” idea and sort of morphs into “under the dome” by stephen king%).  also, someone was a robot, but i don’t remember who.  ben?  it might have been jack.  if i remember i’ll edit this.  the robot part was kind of important.  the aliens built the robot and it was kind of a “science project”/maid from the jetsons. **UPDATE: the robot was desmond. because he was found in the hatch, ergo he came from within the ship.**

my lost is kind of x-files meets gilligan’s island meets “under the dome” with an unintentional twist of the AMAZING district 9 (only in that, i guess, the ship is stuck on earth and then they fix it, but i didn’t realize that until just now.  so it’s possible none of my idea is actually my own.  but i thought it was brilliant.  six hours ago i was going to be the next jeffrey bruckheimer.  now i’m just the next james frey).

anyway, my show would be great.  and even if it didn’t entirely make sense unless you were drinking, if sharlto copley were in it you’d watch it.  you know you would.  don’t even pretend like you wouldn’t.

(random epiphany during final 24 tonight, which isn’t so random now because sharlto copley = a-team: jack is essentially the a-team, but he’s so badass that he’s ALL four guys rolled into one, without any of the humor and with WAY more killing. )

* hatch sounds like snatch, btw…insert “that’s what she said” joke here…i did.
^ you should probably go to a doctor and have that no-pelvis-thing looked at.  they can probably regenerate it using frog dna.  or, you can silently curse the god that deformed you for the rest of your life.  either way, you have options.  see how helpful i am.  i’m going to be a life coach now.
% if you haven’t read “under the dome”, uh, that’s not really what happened.  okay, it is.  but you were never really going to read it anyway.  at least not until they made it into a movie.  and then you’d never get past the first chapter before it was due back at the library.  or before a hobo stole it from you on the bus and then it went out of print.

p.s. if you read this entire thing, you deserve a medal.  or at least some free therapy.

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~ by hollaphonic on 05/24/2010.

5 Responses to “my way better ending to lost.”

  1. I want my medal, bitch.

  2. I want the free therapy. Except I think I’ll just keep reading what you write, which is kinda theraputic to me.

    I searched Lainey Gossip today for RDJ, found a new entry with new photos, and immediately thought of you & came to read that post again.

    And I’m so glad I never watched Lost. There was just no way that a tv show was really going to pull a reasonable explanation out of it’s ass. No Way. Do people not remember Twin Peaks? This kind of thing needs to be maximum of 2 seasons or it gets so freaky the can’t figure out how to end it. People who don’t learn from history just repeat it, blah, blah, and somesuch. Ya know?

    • “…theY can’t figure out how to end it.”

      Why don’t I proofread?

      • haha, i didn’t even notice the Y missing. i probably never would have noticed. good job pointing it out to me. i will scrutinize your comments extra carefully from now on.

        the 2 eps of lost i saw, there was always a bald guy running around, and a fat guy, and then the bald guy was at some point a zombie. and no, no one remembers twin peaks. although that is the second time in a week i’ve heard a person mention it, so maybe they do remember it. what do i know about these things?

        those RDJ pics are probably ones i took, are they blurry & have leaves/branches framing them? seriosuly though, sometimes (okay, everyday) i think that i’m invisible, so it’s nice to be thought of, even for being a pantsless lunatic.

        and me therapeutic? i’m proud and scared of you. one day i’ll probably have to get a restraining order on you (much like the one gary sinise almost needed to take out on me), but i promise i’ll secretly love that you break into my house and hide in my closet.

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