carbon dioxide makes you calm. just before you pass out & die.

“if you think you’re having a heart attack, you’re probably not.  so don’t go to the hospital.  unless you’re old.  then you probably *are* having a heart attack.” ~ my therapist

she said it was most likely anxiety, but then i spent an inordinate amount of time arguing that maybe i have a congenital heart defect and that i am a ticking time bomb.  she instructed me to breathe into a paper bag, but she only had her lunch bag and it was almost the size of a grocery bag, and she was taking all this food out of it and then it had a hole in it.  so she just gave me some xanax.  but not before demonstrating how to breathe into the bag and then saying she felt woozy & might need to lay down. she should really have a package of new lunch bags to hand out to patients.  that lack of foresight makes me question her qualifications.  after she gave me the xanax, i said “so i probably shouldn’t take the entire bottle?”  and of course she gave me a look, like what the fuck is the matter with you, so i clutched the script to my chest and exclaimed “you’re not taking it from me!!”  also, on the way out i stole her copy of the new yorker.  i think it went very well.

here is an artist’s rendition of the session:

my co-pay is pretty reasonable

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~ by hollaphonic on 08/27/2010.

4 Responses to “carbon dioxide makes you calm. just before you pass out & die.”

  1. This whole thing makes me want to go back into therapy. Just to screw with the therapist. Is that bad? Or could that in itself be a sign that I need therapy? In which case, yayee. I’m looking for a therapist tomorrow.

    • this was probably the most entertaining session i ever had. except, you know, for my raving lunacy/panic attack. although, the raving lunacy was *kind of* fun.

  2. One of the things that scared me out of medical interpreting (I am a nationally certified Sign Language Interpreter — until Dec 31st when I’ll lose it if I don’t earn some CEUs PDQ) is the fear of being in actual physical danger while interpreting therapy sessions. You just made me realize that it could have been kinda fun sometimes too. I’ll bet I would have gotten the giggles.

    • that was a pretty fun appt. i’m impressed with interpreters; i always kinda wanted to learn asl, although to avoid speaking to people i would probably pretend to be deaf (i accidentally typed “dead”, that would be harder to pull off). i would think that job would mostly be awkward, what with people crying all the time. eventually you’d just want to tell the therapist/doctor, “look, crying hysterically is really unprofessional and makes your patient feel neglected. there’s only so many sessions where i can sign ‘(s)he has just found out his/her spouse has just been murdered by a crazed former patient’ before the patient gets suspicious.”

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