mostly about rapists

today at work i ate a majority of the jellybeans that were in a communal bowl on the break table.  i picked out all the black ones (i love the black ones {that’s what she said!}), and then i just came back and grabbed whatever i could shove in my mouth or a dixie cup.

apparently, the bank next door was robbed this morning by someone *NOT. WEARING. A. MASK.*  how far do you think you’re going to get, dumbass?  just skip all the trouble and a) go into the bank, put on handcuffs & sit calmly on the floor, ask the teller to call the police or b) don’t even go to the bank. go straight to the police station, do not pass go, do not steal $200.  part of me was hoping that the robber had no car and would have to steal one to get away and it would be mine and then i could somehow get another car which doesn’t want to explode every time i drive it.  i think perhaps all the soda cans & half empty plastic dunkin’ donuts cups would turn off a would-be thief.  i could probably leave it in an alley, unlocked, open windows, key in the ignition and it would still be there after an hour.  (it used to be more gross, actually.  i found half of a sandwich under one of the seats once. and there also used to be a lot of clothes {dirty as well as clean} all over, extra pairs of shoes, etc.)  it would be freakin’ genius if it were an-on-purpose deterrent  but it’s not.

then, after i ate all the jellybeans (as i didn’t have breakfast) i waited on a guy who repossess cars as [part of] his job and i told him (prefacing the statement with “this might sound odd….”) i thought it would be fun to repo people’s shit.  he smiled and then said it could also be dangerous; and then because of my “extensive” knowledge of repo-ing from tv court shows i was like, “yeah! people probably go all fucking berserk on you, and like ‘you’re not taking my car fucker!'” but without most of the swearing.  i found his repo stories interesting.  then  i offered “subtly” to accompany him on a repo adventure and i promised to behave (bc apparently you need another person bc someone has to drive him there and then he drives the repo car away and once the person he brought with him was mouthing off to the deadbeat owner and there was crazy-trouble).  i blame this whole thing on a sugar-high and ten plus years of watching judge judy.  if it were a repo-lady, i think i would be more serious about it bc she probably wouldn’t sell me to sex traffickers.  this guy *most likely* would not do that, but law & order svu has convinced me everyone is a rapist. >am now thinking i should title this post “repo rapist”; and now thinking weird things like if i were attacked i could scream “i am repo-ing my vagina! no means no repo rapist!”< *

i am also frustrated that old navy thinks we’re all like 10 feet tall and size 0.  but mostly, that their pants are like $30.  i only have 3 pairs of appropriate work pants and the only pants i could find to fit my booty were there.  i wish i were beloved enough to ask for donations.  i’m going to have to start training as a pick-pocket.  (i always thought that looked like fun, practicing with the mannequin wearing a coat of bells.)

i feel like sharing: i would like to be a private investigator.  that seems like something i’d be very good at.  i know there’s a lot of sitting around outside people’s houses waiting for shit to happen and peeing into empty cans/cups, but that’s nothing i’ve never done before.  i even own my own binoculars!  my mad research skillz may not be perfect, but they’re probably much better than the average person.  i’m pretty sure i found the street on which gary sinise actually lives.  as long as people aren’t actively trying to hide, it’s not really hard.  so, my success rate is probably like 59%, especially if you only know someone’s name and i can get the basics on them.  PLEASE HIRE ME TO LOCATE PEOPLE FOR YOU (especially if you’re looking for gary sinise).  i do not need to know why.  also, for legal purposes this is mostly a joke.^  i am not a (motivated enough) threat to gary sinise or anyone else involved with csi (or criminal minds, or michael biehn**) so nobody needs to be concerned; the only thing i would do would be to go through gary sinise’s house and maybe wear his clothes.

if you’re reading this now, you’ve typed into a search engine “gary sinise rapist tragedy.”

*OH. MY. GOD. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
^message me privately.  reasonable rates.  willing to barter like ye olde bazaar.
**but apparently he isn’t actually kyle reese (according to the internet which is accessible by skynet) nor has he looked like him since like 1991.  have you seen him?  it’s not pretty.  google a picture from 1985 and one from now — it’s a horrible tragedy.  even more of a tragedy than mickey rourke.

UPDATE! 4/3/2011
in an unprecedented and whelming response to this post, i am adding some visuals.  reader, you asked for it.  reader, you got it.

The Michael Biehn As Kyle Reese Before Photo

The Michael Biehn Present Day After Photo

it’s just  a fucking tragedy.  damn you, terminators, damn you all to hell!

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~ by hollaphonic on 03/29/2011.

4 Responses to “mostly about rapists”

  1. I think perhaps your ramblings are intended for a niche audience. I am happy to be in the niche. 🙂

    Or maybe you should just write more about RDJ? Or titles that hook people in even if they have nothing to do with the post? It was RDJ in the post title showing up on your Bloggess comment (CommentLuv) that got me here.

  2. I tried to find an “after” photo of Michael Biehn and the only thumbnail that looked like one sent me to a website that tried to tell me I had viruses and needed to download their software. As if. I’m not that much of a noob.

    Sooooo. Photos, please? I know he’s not a baby-face, but I couldn’t find anything that didn’t look like normal ageing.

    • take a look at the update i did. i’ll wait.

      okay, admittedly, his appearance now *IS* “normal” aging, but still…he’s just not the same [see exhibit A,aka the before shot….hello!]. i guess at least it still kind of looks like him (if you squint) and he’s not in the al-pacino-what-the-fuck-happened-that’s-not-the-same-man-boat.

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