cyberspace, the final frontier. these are the voyages of a crazy person.

earlier today on twitter, a creepy marketing “bot” (don’t know if it’s actually a programmed account or a douchebag whose job it is to sit there and message strangers all day about electronic cigarettes and jesus) sent me a message that read “i’ll teach you about internet marketing step by step.”  if you saw my timeline today, you may have also seen my oh-so-wittay reply: “and in turn i’ll teach you how to accept jesus christ as your personal savior.  deal?”  well, *dusts off hands* that’s the last i’ve heard o’ that fella.  i know how to handle these types of situations.  (saturday night while i was freaking out about buying an air purifier and then becoming increasingly frightened to breathe because of all the airborne germs that would molest my lungs, another marketer sent me something about e-cigs.  can’t remember if i wrote back…*checks* oh, okay i passive-aggressively “called them out” on twitter.  yep, i called out a robot on the internet; a robot that isn’t even real.  it’s on the fucking internet.  i got miffed at software.)  nards.  wait, what’s the guy’s name from star trek the next generation…picard?   that’s what i’m going to say instead of nards or whatever it is that tina fey says on 30 Rock so as i don’t “infringe” on “copyrights.”  REDO: i got upset at a computer program.  PICARDS!

so where was i….oh, so i was looking at my “@ mentions” on ze twits a few minutes ago and noticed something about the message that marketer #1 (we’ll call him Data) sent to me that i hadn’t realized before.  “I’ll teach you about Internet marketing….STEP. BY. STEP.”  yes, it’s fucking creepy isn’t it?  i think i’ve been vaguely threatened.  like, when someone says “i’ll teach you not to play in the den” as they start to take off their belt with the spikes.  not like “i’m going to teach you algebra.”  that, too, can be fucking scary, but it’s not something where i get the feeling i’m going to be chained up in someone’s basement anytime soon — which, oddly perhaps, is how i now feel about Data’s message.  you could just as easily replace “internet marketing” with “murdering transients” and it doesn’t lose it’s tone.

while marketer #2 (whom we will call Wil Wheaton*) actually did sound subtly hostile, it lacked a certain panache that would take it to the zodiac killer level.  i think i’m going to change Data to Worf, because i actually find Worf kind of fucking scary.  his face is all ridgy and he’s got that real deep voice.  and once i think he went totally crazy and tried to kill everyone on the enterprise.  actually, i think each character at one point did that.  someone was always getting infected or taken over by pods and doing some batshit-wacko stuff.  but i think maybe Worf did it more.  he had anger management issues.

so now that i’ve been threatened, i think it’s probably the best idea that i should sleep with a steak knife under my pillow (totally safe) in case Worf comes for me in the night.  oh won’t he get a surprise…welcome to earth, motherfucker!  or something like that.  i’m totally going to slice off my face.  (in my sleep.  not….randomly because i’m bored or lazy: “ugh, there’s nothing on the telly, i’m going to slice my face off.”  in my head i’m british.)

* yeah, dude, i’m referencing you in a star trek-themed post.  come find me and do something about it, eh?


~ by hollaphonic on 05/23/2011.

2 Responses to “cyberspace, the final frontier. these are the voyages of a crazy person.”

  1. My take-away: I *knew* you were British in your head!

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