my dictionary is part of a right-wing conspiracy.

it all began in 1994 when an abnormally tall child received a dictionary in school which was actually copyrighted in 1983 and then again in 1987, both years when reagan was president.

readers, i was that abnormally tall child.

and that bound book of word definitions was The American Heritage Dictionary.

i’d never encountered it before or since — just the typical merriam webster, oxford, etc.  and actually, outside of my job i never actually see physical dictionaries anymore.  it’s all this internet mumbo-jumbo now, and i must admit that i, too, frequently frequent dictionary.com for my word defining needs.  although, mostly i use their thesaurus because on my own i can only come up with “frequently frequent” (whereas if i had used the thesaurus, mayhap i would have contrived a beautiful sentence like: “…i, too, frequently visit…”).  i’d never given any thought to my potentially obscure lexicon (that one was ALL me!  no thesaurus, i swear!) but now that i look at it…the whole thing is suspicious.

so let’s move forward a bit from 1994 to present day: last night i was editing some articles (not wikipedia) and i had a bit of a quandary (hey dr. peter mark roget — i don’t need your filthy words-substituted-for-other-words!) and as i normally do, i went on a grammar word hunt in Cyber Land.  after coming up with results that contradicted each other, i felt, as any other gen Yer might (as we are the last group who i think remembers all the regular “old stuff” prior to the internet and computers…though perhaps even i among my peers am abnormal, even if i am no longer abnormally tall, nor tall at all (as i seem to have reached my full height COINCIDENTALLY around the time of receiving my dictionary)) that i must go to the physical dictionary and/or thesaurus and sort this puppy out.

note to self: make rant about how nobody born after the eighties remembers vinyl records, rotary phones, party lines, pagers,  cars with hood ornaments, or a world without toaster strudels.

my AMERICAN HERITAGE having given me an answer, i deemed it as acceptable because it was in print (and nothing in print has ever been wrong, eh james frey???) and made my edit, knowing that while it may be somewhat out of date, regular grammar and word-meanings probably haven’t changed so what’s the harm.

WHAT’S THE HARM???  well, for starters, as i looked at the cover longingly, reminiscing about 1994 and the fresh prince of bel-air, i saw American Heritage in a different way.  a suspicious way.  a disconcertingly america-was-founded-by-white-people way.  and it dawned on me — 1983, heritage, 1994, the words “office edition” on the cover*…  it could only all lead to one thing: a vast republican conspiracy to influence a new generation and warn us of the evils of communism, krispy kreme donuts, and instill a hard work ethic into us, as they knew already that our jobs were going to be outsourced and we would have to battle each other for personal economic supremacy.

and so i began to investigate, to delve further into this matter, to find more than the $4.95 price suspicious.  logically, this completely scientific experiment would best be conducted by looking up certain words for their absence or distorted meanings.  after all, a dictionary with a right-wing slant is going to have some viewpoints askew.

let the experiment begin!

democrat, n: see demon.
liberal, adj: loose and without morals.
library, n: a place to keep literary and artistic materials, also a liberal scheme to allow poor people access to knowledge.
education, n: the act or process of educating; the process of being educated; knowledge or skills obtained; a budge that needs to be cut.
homosexual, adj: see iniquity.
gay, adj: merry; lighthearted.  bright or lively, especially in color.
immigrant, n: an organism that appears where it was formally unknown.
immigrate, v: to illegally enter and settle permanently in a foreign country.
imperialism, n: the policy of extending a nation’s territory or power by establishing dominance over other nations for their own good.
christianity, n: the christian religion, founded on the teachings of jesus; christendom; world’s best religion.
islam, n: a moslem cult based on the teachings of mohammed, embodying belief in one god; also see dangerous.
dangerous, adj: see terrorism.^
terrorism, n: see islam.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is all the evidence we need.  “american heritage” is righty lingo for their beliefs and, this dictionary, their delicately hidden manifesto of which i alone have cracked the code!  readers, if i am in an accident or killed, find karl rove; he is the key!!!  also, i’m not sure anymore that nixon is dead.  he could have gone underground (see woodchuck) and be the puppet master behind the whole operation!  hey, wasn’t he supposed to have died in 1994?

*1983 – 33rd president ronald reagan had been in office for 2 years; it is very probable that he spent this time working on the covert dictionary operation, and that star wars, iran contra, and the jelly beans were a smokescreen.
heritage – because despite the fact that we’re a nation founded on immigration, republicans hate immigrants and non-ethnic ancestry is important to them, etc.
1994 – my creepy teacher handed these dictionaries out to us all, coinciding with clinton’s ascension to the oval office and the end of republican bruhahas.  and it is as i suspected — bruhaha isn’t even IN this dictionary.  need i give you more proof?
office edition – what kind of teacher gives a bunch of middle school kids an “office edition”?  OVAL office edition, you mean.

^oh pre-9/11 world, how i miss you.  the word “terrorist” doesn’t even have its own listing.

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~ by hollaphonic on 07/26/2011.

2 Responses to “my dictionary is part of a right-wing conspiracy.”

  1. you’re still funny, even when you haven’t overdosed on ambien.

  2. I like this. My husband started this whole “gullible isn’t in the dictionary” thing the other day, explaining that it actually isn’t in some dictionaries (probably off of Reddit). I’m wondering if the stodgy dictionary peeps maybe got bored & thought, “We already completely succeeded with the whole American Heritage thing; let’s take ‘gullible’ out of some dictionaries and see if anyone notices!”

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