ugly art.

have you ever looked through real estate listings on the internet and seen horrible/bizarre/messy/disturbing interiors of people’s homes? some of them are just nightmares…clearly the occupants died and nobody bothered staging the rooms before they snapped some pictures. i’m also freaked out when i see a reflection of the person taking the picture in a mirror or something. no effort. then there are some where it appears, based on the furniture or decor, that they’re not corpses nor one foot in the grave, and yet — nobody said “GET THIS GODDAMNED BIZARRE TIGER PAINTING OUT OF HERE! IT LOOKS LIKE IT SHOULD BE HANGING ON A WALL IN A THAI RESTAURANT IT’S FREAKING ME OUT. I FEEL LIKE I’M HAVING A BAD ACID TRIP.” that’s where i come in — a connoisseur of bad acid trips. i started noticing awful pieces of art in people’s homes and felt that the world at large needed to be scarred for life by them as well. if nothing else, i hope this is a warning for y’all to make sure your shitty art is hidden when the realtor comes. also, when you’re showing a house, you should probably take the handcuffs off the closet rod (seriously, that happened in a house i looked at. the whole house was empty, being remodeled, and yet there was a pair of handcuffs locked onto a closet rod).

i don’t think i really need to point out the offending pieces of art (nor the weird furniture or arrangements) so LET’S GO:

i love that the last two have almost the EXACT SAME FUCKING LAMPS. i have never seen such extraterrestrial-like lighting and then, in two houses, the same lamps. i can’t decide if they happen to be in the same family or if maybe it was a seventies thing. also in the last two: WHY ARE THE PICTURES SO HIGH??? i thought things were supposed to go about eye level or slightly higher NOT ON THE CEILING. somewhere, martha stewart is weeping into piles of money in her panic room.

i must ask, why do so many people think black leather sectionals should most definitely be purchased? particularly if it is too big for your living room!! i mean, really, folks. this is why muslims hate america.

i frankly don’t know what is happening in any of these photos. except, that i think the first one is old people. i can forgive them. they just piece together things and try to make the shabby into chic. or they’re senile. that painting is probably from the depression. no, not this one. the GREAT depression. it is rumored that the current one may be called “pretty huge ass money shitstorm that will make obama start smoking again.” insert frowny face, as i do not approve of smoking. although, that painting looks southwestern…did the southwest have the depression? did they exist? i’m not sure they were part of this country. i seem to remember in the grapes of wrath that they just teleported from oklahoma to california. damn those wrathful grapes!!

um, anyway, where was i…. oh, so actually i guess you could say that that painting is from the great indian/native american/navajo depression that is still going on today as the white man has screwed over the indians and started trying to tax cigarettes purchased by non-rezzies on reservations. i’m split on this one…remember, i don’t like the smoking, so yay to discourage it…however, haven’t the non-hindu indians suffered enough? first we took their land, and now they have to suffer through american idol every season. well, we all suffer through that. IT IS OUR CROSS TO BEAR. or our bear to cross. i kind of like the second one. it seems more dangerous whereas the first one is just inconvenient.

it is impossible to accurately date that art, but old people and ralph nader are known not to have bought anything after 1974. (i often forget ralph nader IS an old person. poor, crazy ralph nader.)

i don’t even know what i’m saying anymore. i just know that that art is ugly. in the case of the second one, that is on the border between ugly and awkward art. i refute your anticipated response of “to each his own” or “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” NO. NO NO NO NO NO. I REFUTE IT, IRREFUTABLY. AND YOU AS WELL, REPUDIATED REFUTER. refute doesn’t look like a real word anymore.

p.s. can you believe ralph nader used to look like this?

hell-o mr. president.


~ by hollaphonic on 08/02/2011.

One Response to “ugly art.”

  1. I forget that Ralph Nader *doesn’t* look like that anymore; therefore, me = old. Also, I thought that the matching lamps (which I noticed on my own & giggled when that was the first thing you talked about) looked like trees in the first room. Giant metal trees.

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