my bank advised me to launder money.

my bank refused to exchange some canadian coins i have and make them into american monies.  this is what happened that pisses me the fuck off: i have about $18 in canadian coins that i counted and rolled, and labeled as “CAN” so i wouldn’t confuse them with united states monies.  it was also very considerate of me as it would also benefit the bank.

so i went up to the teller and i pulled out the first roll, which happened to be a $2 nickel roll, and put it on the counter.  i started to ask if i could exchange a bunch of canadian coins that i rolled, as i had the rest of the rolls in my hand which was clearly visible.  the alleged woman asked if i was stupid enough to be trying to exchange $2 (my translation of her words) and i said, uh no i have all these and gestured to my hand and put the rest on the counter.  she looks at me like i’m a fucking crazy person.


she starts to say they don’t accept rolled canadian coins, or really even any coins, but then “fake checked” with the teller next to her.  i was advised to get rid of them by spending them like american money, that they were “just as good.”  OH REALLY??  then why won’t YOU accept them for exchange?  clearly, they are not the same.  if a bank won’t take them, who will?

i’m pretty sure that that “financial advice” was kind of illegal; we’re not on the canadian border.  if anyone notices that i’m passing off more than one piece of canadian change during one transaction, people will notice and refuse to accept it.  most places will not accept foreign, even canadian, money because it screws up the bookkeeping and is a problem for them also to exchange.  at least, that’s why we never accepted them at work.  christ, you might as well just give me some metal bottle caps and call them money and they’d have the same value as CAN dollars.*

so these bitches work in a bank and they DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT?  WTF.

also, these bitches work in a bank and they basically just told me to LAUNDER MY FUCKING MONEY.  seriously???  FYI ladies, money laundering is highly illegal for some reason.  aside from the legalities of this incident, you are going to tell me to discreetly parcel out $20 in change?  that is the stupidest thing that has ever been said to me.  and i’m pretty sure an 8 year old african american (aka black) boy called me a hoochie at the post office where i was before the bank.  so that gives you some context.

i also don’t understand why they always ask if i have an account at that particular bank.  no, i take this ruse around to all the banks and see which ones take the bait.  once you fall prey and i’ve taken your $18 and run off, you discover the rolls are filled with marbles.  i’m wanted all over the country for this.  interpol is hot on my trail.

*yes, i do realize candian money is like almost 1:1 with our real money, but when i started using this joke several years ago, our money was a lot awesomer than canada’s and this was largely true.


~ by hollaphonic on 08/17/2011.

3 Responses to “my bank advised me to launder money.”

  1. I knew that picture of you would come in handy some day.

  2. For shame, poorly-trained bank tellers! I wonder if Coinstar has a solution for this? Or maybe the “put your valuable but unwanted gold jewelry into an envelope & mail it to us, we promise to send you lots of money back” websites do money exchange? Surely this niche market has already been filled!

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