Vagina monologue

I think I’d prefer a robot gynecologist instead of a human. I’d still probably be concerned about maintenance though. Bc I still have a feeling the robot would care and judge me, even self destructing once it got a look down under. Then it’d gossip to the other robots about the tragic forest of my lady kingdom. There’s also the possibility of robot revolt in the middle of the pap smear and that just sounds fucking unpleasant. *imagining robot tearing out innards & fashioning me into a puppet to use in mocking human race…”ohhhh helloooo I’m a person, look at how I do stupid inferior human activities. La de da I’m so fancy with my epidermis and cellular regeneration” – robot*. My only consolation would be that it maybe wouldn’t be programmed for snarky judgments & not be disturbed by the variety & differences of homo sapiens vulva bits. Idk whether human gynecologists even notice or care about their workspace but I feel like it would be polite to, like, spruce up for company….I’m not alone here am I? I don’t want them assuming I do 1970s retro pornography. It just seems like it’s a comment on who you are to them & they should definitely get the best impression of me that my vagina can elicit. Don’t know why it matters, I think my extreme discomfort probably distracts them. Anyway, I’m pretty sure no doubt’s “tragic kingdom” was about Gwen stefani’s “spiderwebs.” Sounds like she was a mess.


~ by hollaphonic on 12/15/2011.

6 Responses to “Vagina monologue”

  1. Haha. I woke up down today. You’ve ceeherd me up!

  2. Wow. In the last 2 (oops, New Year’s Day), I mean 3 months I’ve been to the gyno twice. Damn right I spruced up and shaved my legs and everything before. And my doc is a woman. You put it well when you said “sprucing up for company.”

    • what i love about this one is that i actually had to do that and it’s not one of the massively exaggerated bits. and, miracle! i spilled no urine in my purse, on my self, or in the car. nor was frisked for urine. a tip to you gals out there: after capturing the elusive urine, recontain it in a rinsed out tums-like bottle and then put that inside a zip loc bag. then if you’re really concerned a plastic bag around the outside. 1 con = bag will make noise in stall so try to turn on the faucet, a vent, or guffaw to cover the sound. bonus! all the materials are recyclable….so you have to take them home with you again. but what do i care. it’s MY urine. if it was some stranger’s urine i wouldn’t take it home to recycle all the pieces. there’s a code and a line for the special pee agents who monitor the Trade of Urine Traffic in all the markets. such an innocent thing gets turned into “Enemy of the State.”

  3. Holy crap, woman, you put me on your blog roll? I’m scared and a tiny bit pressured into writing something. Thanks!

    • ooh, i’d forgotten i did that. but don’t worry, no pressure….AHAHAHA how i kid, this is all about pressure! get to it! and if i don’t find it worth a spot in the sadly small blog roll, then….well, we’ll see when the time comes. no good it does to surprise you. ps. welkie.

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